It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
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“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
The news
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Meth is short for Elizameth.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*