The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
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“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Swedish for common sense.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it