A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
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“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.