I believe the plural is “milves.”
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Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Are these grass-fed oranges?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward