The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
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I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I never needed anything more in my life
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?