Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
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I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
The funk soul brother
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.