Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
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therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
me linking you to my twitter
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something