I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
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He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Guilty! 🤪
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Put the is in disheveled
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??