My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
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Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
This bar smells like my childhood.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio