Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
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Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
The dark side of Canada
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now