Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
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People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain