Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

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*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*


“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.


He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.


I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.


*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*


I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores


This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys


*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?