@jwoodham

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

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@jngraphs

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

@MeemawKate

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

@RandomAntics

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

@BradBroaddus

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

@Jimpetuous

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

@shopkins776

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

@STRIKINGxVIKING

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

@whalesmells

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

@mrtruthandsoul

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?