HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
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Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide