It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
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Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview