my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
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Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…