my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
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Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
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When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
We’ve all been there…
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astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
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Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?