We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
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***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?