(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
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Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
December birthdays be like…
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry