I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
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The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee