My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
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Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.