If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
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You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.