Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
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Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.