Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

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The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February


I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.


“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
Me: “You have ice?”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”


No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.


Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.


Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.


I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.


I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.


Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.


If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”