Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
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I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.