@TheFirstDudish

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

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@oldfriend99

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

@Cheeseboy22

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

@Storminika

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

@OBiiieeee

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

@trevso_electric

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

@NikiWithIssues

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

@ilovepie84

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

@noog

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

@MelvinofYork

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”