Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
You Might Also Like
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
There’s only one good girl here!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.