i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *