i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
I forgot why I went upstairs.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being