If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
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I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.