Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
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the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal