*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
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sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.