“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
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My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
We need more people like this.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.