Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
You Might Also Like
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.