[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
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Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok