I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
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Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross