I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
![]()
You Might Also Like
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery