He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
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{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
What a chick magnet..
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.