8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
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good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.