I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
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In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
marvel comics have peaked
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.