marvel comics have peaked
You Might Also Like
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Steam Forums
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows