“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?