Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
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Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I get distracted pretty eas
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Me checking my bank balance online.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?