Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
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5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.