her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
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Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no