Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
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it’s finally my moment to shine
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Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
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The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
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“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.