Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
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•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time