Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
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what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
I got soap in my shower beer again.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]