The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
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[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
taking June’s advice to heart
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.