I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
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Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”