I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
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PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Breaking news:
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”