I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
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Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Them: You should try keto
Me:![]()
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face