If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it