My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
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I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Owl Sanctuary
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.