I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
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The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.