I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
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One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
im 7 sauces long
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.