I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
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Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them