I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
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Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
This probably isn’t good
hackers play passwordle
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
so weird how every mom was born today
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.