COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
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What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My first child will be named New Folder.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.