I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
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Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.